~ FLASHBACK FRIDAY ~ June 26, 2015 ~ A DISASTER IN THE KITCHEN ~

FLASHBACK FRIDAY ~ June 26, 2015 ~ A DISASTER IN THE KITCHEN ~ Last Sunday, a good friend on Facebook, Shelley Selig, posted a picture of a pastry blender in one of those "Do you remember this" posts.

Seeing it gave me the idea for this weeks "Flashback Friday" post. It's all about what a disaster I am in the kitchen and the fact that I cannot bake to save my life.

I married the most wonderful man on the planet but he sure got the short end of the stick in marrying me! I am the world's worst housekeeper and I only knew how to make about four staple meals when we got married. I could make 1) spaghetti, 2) pork chops and fried rice, 3) scalloped potatoes and 4) stew. (Yeah, I know, scalloped potatoes isn't exactly a "meal" but I would usually add breakfast strips and a veggie and call that supper)!

As for baking, well, it's a good thing that my darling hubby doesn't have a sweet tooth!! I honestly cannot bake a single thing! Even now, after almost 12 years of marriage, I have only added one meal (chicken mushroom rice and veggies) to my menu. I was able, however, to add one dessert to our menu!! I can actually make cherry cheesecake!! (It's the no-bake kind, so I'm not sure if that counts, but at least I graduated from being asked to just bring punch to family functions to bringing cheesecake)!!

Now, I know that some of you may be thinking that I just don't like to cook/bake or that I just haven't tried hard enough, but I assure you, I honestly, truly am a complete and total klutzy disaster in the kitchen!! And I have several examples to prove it!!

Going WAY back to when my husband and I were first together and dating when I was in high school, I remember trying to make a roast for dinner. I must have called my mom at least a dozen times that day with question after question after question. I finally figured out what to do and had everything ready. The table was set, the veggies and potatoes were simmering on the stove, and the roast was in the oven. It was going to be a PERFECT birthday surprise for Stephen. 

To make a long story short (really, I can do that, if I try hard enough), in the end, the surprise was on me. All of the food was set out and ready to serve, I pulled the roast from the oven, and set it on the table, ready for my big reveal. (We didn't stand on ceremony and usually just served out of the pots, although this once, I almost wish we had, I wouldn't have been so stunned then perhaps). I guess the one question that I should have asked my mom and didn't, was "what is the roast supposed to look like when it's done?"

The roast that I had put into the over would have kept us in leftovers for two weeks, EASY. The roast that I pulled out of the oven and revealed with a flourish however, was barely big enough to make a meal for our cat!! WHO THE HECK KNEW THAT ROAST SHRINKS?!?!? WHY DOES ROAST SHRINK ANYWAY?!?

Needless to say, I made sure that we went out or that my parents invited us over for any future birthdays or special occasions! Except that one time that I finally put THE ROAST INCIDENT (for that's how I think of it, all caps, bold, underlined, italicized) behind me and decided to bake a cake for Stephen's birthday. 

Leaving nothing to chance, I bought a cake mix that all you had to do was add water. You even cooked it in the box it came in! What luck!! I couldn't wait to finally be able to surprise Stephen, for once, on his birthday! Even I couldn't screw that up!! 

WRONG!! You could have anchored a boat with that cake! I followed the directions exactly, the oven temperature was correct, I didn't leave it in too long, and to this day, I still have no idea what happened or why it was so heavy and hard as a rock and what could have possibly gone wrong.

Unfortunately, that's not the end of my disaster stories. Many years ago, a friend and next door neighbour, Tanya Butt Condon, couldn't believe that I really couldn't bake. She was determined to prove me wrong and one Saturday, set up an experiment, meant to finally put my kitchen ghosts to rest.

Here is how the experiment went. Tanya picked the easiest cookie recipe that she had, (I believe it was oatmeal raisin) and set up her kitchen counter so that we both had the exact same utensils, the exact same ingredients and measuring apparatuses, and the exact same cookie sheets.

Ingredient for ingredient, step by step, we each followed the recipe. I did EXACTLY what Tanya did. We even counted as we stirred and mixed to make sure that each batch got the exact same number of strokes. We spooned the cookies onto the cookie sheets, adjusting where necessary, to make sure that they were the exact same size and looked exactly alike. We put them into the same oven at the exact same time. (We even set the timer for half of the required time and switched places in the oven just in case). 

Each of our cookie trays came out of the oven at the exact same time, cooled for exactly the same amount of time and, yup, you guessed it, Tanya's cookies turned out perfectly, and mine, well, I'm not sure what exactly was wrong with mine. They were undercooked, overcooked, tasted like they were missing key ingredients, I don't know. They weren't even fit to feed to the ducks at Point Pleasant Park or the Public Gardens in Halifax! 

You would think that my sad, tragic story would end there, it's bad enough already right? Well, I actually have two more baking nightmares to share with you. 

This first one isn't so much on me as it is on my next door neighbour, Julie Sinclair. You see, Julie makes these incredible, "you-can't-stop-at-just-one", amazingly delicious, "once-you've-had-them-you-never-want-another-kind-of-cookie-again" cookies called "Molasses Moons." That's the original, official name for them anyway. Anyone who has ever tasted or tired to make these cookies however, files them under the name "Julie's Impossible Cookies." This is because despite trying, and even given my lack of culinary abilities, I have tried to make them several times, nobody, and I really do mean not one other single person, can make them as good as Julie! 

At a gathering at Julie's house once, we all agreed that we were certain that she must leave out a key ingredient, different for each of us, on any recipe that she passed on. Julie, jokingly, often calls over and asks if "Carswell Convenience" is open. Of course I don't really expect or even want to be repaid for anything that may be borrowed, be it a bag of milk, a cup of sugar, a can of spaghetti sauce or even an emergency gift. However, Julie usually insists, and I am so thankful to be able to tell her that the reimbursement is a batch of her Impossible Cookies! 

My final and most recent story is from a few years ago. I found an incredibly scrumptious cookie/square recipe that we just "had" to try at home. They were called "Hello Dolly's," and I had to try making them two days after we tried them for the first time ~ they really were that good!

I'll spare you the gory details and just tell you that someone has changed the name of the cookies/squares on the recipe card so that it now reads "Goodbye Dolly's."

And the moral of the story? If you ever feel inclined to invite me to a potluck dinner, your best bet is to make sure I'm bringing punch or cheesecake!!

NOTE: Believe it or not, I do actually have several cookbooks! (Yeah, I'm not sure why either, probably because our daughter, Caitlin (@likeotters) has fortunately not been inflicted with the same culinary curse that I have, and is phenomenal in the kitchen)! 

So, if you would like any of the recipes that I mentioned above ~ trust me, the errors are completely my fault and not the fault of the recipes, at all ~ (I've noted them in a list below), please feel free to contact me and I'll gladly pass them along!

Cherry Cheesecake

Chicken Mushroom Rice

Hello/Goodbye Dolly's

Molasses Moons/Julie's Impossible Cookies

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Pork Chops & Fried Rice 

Scalloped Potatoes 

Spaghetti

Stew 

 

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