~ FLASHBACK FRIDAY ~ July 10, 2015 ~ "A MOTHER'S TEARS" ~

~ FLASHBACK FRIDAY ~ July 10, 2015 ~ "A MOTHER'S TEARS" ~ I am just now getting caught up posting my various "columns" that I was unable to post over the past few weeks. Although I did struggle a little bit with writers block, the real reason I was unable to post "Ticked Off Tuesday", "Wacky Wednesday" (formerly "QOT...W"), and "Flashback Friday" recently is because I do all of my work on an iPad and unfortunately, that iPad belongs to my son and he, rightly so, took it with him to the lake. 

My husband was on vacation last week (first week in July) and he and our son went to spend the week at his parent's "cottage" on Silver Lake. We still call it "the cottage" even though my in-laws have long since made it their home by retiring there. Growing up, my husband and his siblings would spend all summer, every summer at the cottage on Silver Lake. But the reference to it being "the cottage" stuck. My daughter and I joined Stephen and Matthew mid week, getting to spend some time with ALL of my husband's family as everyone was able to make it up for at least part of the week.

My husband is back to work this week but our son opted to stay at the cottage to be able to spend more time with his cousins from Calgary that he gets to see only about once a year. 

Matthew is only 10 years old and although his days are jam-packed full of fun and exciting activities and adventures, nighttime does eventually fall. With the darkness and never-wanted in the first place bedtime, naturally comes a little bit of homesickness. 

My husband called this morning from work to let me know that Matthew had sent him an email from his iPad around 1:00am, saying "home, I want home." My heart broke into a million pieces for the little guy (I will get back to that) but also gave me an honest-to-goodness, genuine "flashback" to the very first time that our daughter Caitlin was away from home.

Caitlin was three years old before spent a single night away from home. And even though she was excitedly happy to be spending the "whole big long weekend" with my parents, as she called it (it wasn't an actual holiday long weekend, just in Caitlin's 3 year old mind, two nights and three days was a long time). Even though she adores my parents and they adore her right back, it wasn't such an adorably, happy or exciting time for poor old me who was watching my baby leave home for the first time!!

I actually spent the three days that she was away curled up in bed, sobbing my heart out because I missed her so much. If not for my very dear friend, Blaine Creelman, who was my constant companion and caretaker, I really don't think that I would have come out on the other side of those three days in one piece.

Although this is not the first time that our son has been away from home without any of us, what struck me this week, nearly 20 years later, with Matthew being at the lake without his Dad or me, or even his big sister, Caitlin (@likeotters), is that the heartache of missing a child, especially one that you know is missing you, is very similar to that of genuine grief. 

As I thought about our son being sad and lonely and "all by himself" (with lots of family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, BUT without Mom, Dad or big sister Caitlin), my eyes filled up with tears, and I realized that I was actually sobbing. 

The gasping, gulping, hiccuping, chest-heaving, hard to breathe, runny nose, tear-streaked red faced "ugly cry". It kind of took me by surprise though, (but just a little bit, because to be honest, I do have some inkling that I am a bit of a marshmallow when it come to my kids), that I could be so heartbroken at just the thought that my little boy was sad.

Since my husband hadn't called until around 9:00am, I didn't even know that Matthew had emailed in the middle of the night. But I t didn't seem to matter much that I knew by now Matthew wasn't in the least bit sad and lonely at that very moment, and nor would he be for the rest of the day. 

I knew that he was having a great time fishing, playing board games, tossing a football, shooting pellet guns, swimming, boating, tubing, knee boarding, jet skiing or whatever else they filled their day with. But that didn't stem the flow of tears or heart wrenching sobs that escaped from me. 

I felt just as bad today as I did 20 years ago when my first baby went away for the first time. I kind of wish that this was Matthew's first time away from home. Then I could sort of justify my sobbing, "ugly cry" and also so that I don't feel like a totally complete and utterly, mushy, sappy marshmallow. I am a little bit proud though, to accept that my love and fierce desire to ALWAYS protect my kids is still, even 20 years later, as strong as it ever was.

If you are with your kids tonight, give them a hug from me and God Bless!

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